You are walking alone on a snowy evening – it is quiet, so quiet. The snow compresses firmly beneath your boots as you walk. A lone, old-fashioned streetlight shines in the distance. As you near the soft, warm light, the snow begins to sparkle. However, when you arrive you see deep red, gleaming drops in the snow. What is behind you?
- A hallowing dark figure slowly lumbering towards you, snow crunching beneath its feet, carrying a larger than average paring knife
- Twin snow children with shadows for eyes
- Candy cane zombies
- Stupid Sexy Flanders
- All of the above
You are Major Tom. You are sitting in a tin can, far above the world. You’re feeling very still when an announcement comes through the space speakers: “This is ground control to Major Tom, your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong.” What is the last thing you think of before you succumb to the cold embrace of space?
- Planet Earth is blue and there’s nothing you can do
- I was promised space dolphins, life is a lie
- Nothing is so chilling as the deep abyss of endless space
- I could eat a hamburger the size of a human skull just about now
You wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, but you are not in your bed, you are in a dimly lit community center, surrounded by smooth, nude, mannequin versions of your 5 best friends, and 5 worst enemies. You make accidental eye contact with one, and its cold plastic fingers begin jittering uncontrollably. You avert your eyes quickly to the wall, and see that there will be a pancake breakfast next Saturday for $4 with proceeds going to the fire department. What do you do?
- Awaken your new army of living mannequins and take over the fire department so you can profit from those sweet, sweet pancake profits
- Make haste to the closest Blockbuster Video, and ask the clerk to play a VHS copy of Mannequin 2: On the Move. Sit on the floor, and watch the entire movie in silence
- Bury the mannequins in the Pet Semetary
- Make pancakes
Pop quiz, hot shot. There’s a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?
- Photocopy the bus
- Bury the bus in the Pet Semetary
- Don’t feed the bus after midnight
- Resort to cannibalism
You are doing your holiday shopping in Chinatown. You walk through a dark alleyway with red lanterns, the alley is somehow both bustling and deserted. You enter a small doorway into a room full of antiques and oddities – there is an old man with a long, thin beard smoking a long, thin pipe. “I want to buy the most dangerous item in this store.” The man says, “Ok fine, this creature is called Mogwai. He’s like a guinea pig, but with more rules. No bright lights, don’t get him wet, and don’t feed him after midnight.” What do you do with the creature when you get home?
- Take photos of him, use the flash
- Give him a bath
- Take him to the Taco Bell drive thru at 2am
- All of the above
Surprise! Question 3 is down here!
It is New Year’s Eve 1989, you have somehow gained control David Hasselholf’s brain. You are standing on the Berlin Wall, wearing a light-up leather jacket and a piano scarf. Someone hands you a microphone, what do you do?
- Sing “Monster Mash” instead of “Looking for Freedom” – and brace yourself for the monumental changes to time and space
- Go back in time, kill Hitler
- Slowly and deliberately inflate (by mouth), and hand-tie 99 red balloons, let them gather at your feet. When you have finished, say, “now what, Deutschland, now what?”
What’s love got to do, got to do with it?
- I don’t care much for money, money can’t buy me love
- Don’t feed love after midnight
- You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave (never leave… never leave…)
You are driving alone on a dark desert highway, cool wind in your hair. Up ahead in the distance, you see a shimmering light, your head grows heavy and your sight grows dim, you have to stay for the night. There is plenty of room, mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice. Chanting voices are calling from far away, wake you up in the middle of the night, just to hear them say……
- “Two men enter, one man leaves!”
- “One of us, one of us, we accept you, one of us!”
- “Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!”
- “Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!”
- A spoken word rendition of the long version of Hey Jude
Submit all answers in the form of a highly critical personal postcard to Billy Joel