You arrive home on a so very cold day to find promotional mail from a credit card company. Inside the envelope is a single oak leaf, etched with the words, “I’m in the basement.” You don’t have basement. You notice a door you have never seen before, you open it and there are 10 steps but as you walk down, it feels like 24. It smells like mold and ghosts. What is behind you?
- A perfect replica David Hasselhoff’s car from Ghost Rider
- The entire cast of Full House, nope, Fuller House (Gibbler is back baby!)
- A painting that gets older while you stay the same age
- Daniel Day Lewis dressed as Abraham Lincoln wearing a lobster costume
- All of your teeth
It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday, the regular crowd shuffles in. There’s an old man sitting next to you, making love to his tonic and gin. He says, “Play that funky music, white boy.” What do you play?
- Wagon Wheel
- The theme song to Game of Thrones on an overturned garbage can
- A spoken word version of Hey Jude, the long version
- Hotel California, without breaking eye contact
You are shipwrecked on an island after a storm, you wake up on a beach that is deserted except for a blue crab with knife blades for claws. You decide to move inland, and make your way through the dense jungle. You see a shimmering light in the distance, it could be heaven, or it could be hell… or it could be a Denny’s. It’s that third thing, and it’s full of people. As you enter, you see that every single person inside looks exactly like you. They all turn to look at you, their eyes are red, and there are only spoons (ironic, right?) What do you do?
- Order a Grand Slam, substitute French toast for the pancakes (did you know they let you do that?)
- Try to get buy-in for an all-you orgy
- Go back to the beach with the stabby crab. That guy seemed alright, and he has knifes.
- Open a competing pancake diner right next door, call it “The Community Center” and advertise a $4 pancake breakfast with proceeds going to the fire department. There is no fire department on the island; the proceeds go straight to you. Profits! Profits! Profits!
You threw a party over the weekend. Your guests included Ruth B. Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor, and Elena Kagan. You didn’t invite Clarence Thomas, who knows the first three from work. On Monday, you run into Clarence at the downstairs lobby Starbucks, from work. He asks how the party went. How do you respond?
- It was a Monster Mash
- It was a grave yard smash
- It got on in a flash
- Dodge the question, say “Hey, whatever happened to the Transylvania Twist?”
The most dangerous game is hunting man for sport on a private island. What is the second most dangerous game?
- Butt Darts
- Sticking your hand in the ball return at Friday Night Bowl-o-Drome
- Hunger Games of Thrones
- Any game where you say the name of someone until they burst out of the mirror
Where’s the beef?
- Beef is made of stardust just like we all are, it is everywhere and nowhere
- At Arby’s. But Arby’s also sells fish – nothing makes sense anymore.
- It’s visiting friends in Austin this weekend and it’s sorry it can’t come to your party. Rain check?
Plot Twist! Questions 7-8 are write-in responses
What’s in Nicolas Cage’s basement?
You are visiting the world’s only parasite museum with Rick Moranis, who accidentally discharges his enlarging ray (Dammit, Moranis!). A mile-long tapeworm is now making its way to nearest station, which is only 5 stops away from Shinjuku, Tokyo’s most crowded district. Trains come every 4 minutes. What do you do?
You are in 1,001 Arabian Nights. Your captor threatens to kill you every night, the only way you can stay alive is to peak his curiosity by suggesting to him one interesting name for his boat each night. If you suggest an uninteresting name, he will kill you. You will receive one point for each day you survive. Go.
*Hint: the boat is a 100-foot catamaran with polished wood accents
Double Plot Twist! Question 10 is a draw-in response. No words allowed.
Draw what you are most afraid of, what keeps CEOs up at night and eats their dreams, what should be harmless, but brings everything to ghost.
Send all responses to Billy Joel’s home address