Situational Awareness Quiz #2

Question 1     

You arrive home on a so very cold day to find promotional mail from a credit card company. Inside the envelope is a single oak leaf, etched with the words, “I’m in the basement.” You don’t have basement. You notice a door you have never seen before, you open it and there are 10 steps but as you walk down, it feels like 24. It smells like mold and ghosts. What is behind you?

  1. A perfect replica David Hasselhoff’s car from Ghost Rider
  2. The entire cast of Full House, nope, Fuller House (Gibbler is back baby!)
  3. A painting that gets older while you stay the same age
  4. Daniel Day Lewis dressed as Abraham Lincoln wearing a lobster costume
  5. All of your teeth



Question 2

It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday, the regular crowd shuffles in. There’s an old man sitting next to you, making love to his tonic and gin. He says, “Play that funky music, white boy.” What do you play?

  1. Wagon Wheel
  2. The theme song to Game of Thrones on an overturned garbage can
  3. A spoken word version of Hey Jude, the long version
  4. Hotel California, without breaking eye contact



Question 3

You are shipwrecked on an island after a storm, you wake up on a beach that is deserted except for a blue crab with knife blades for claws. You decide to move inland, and make your way through the dense jungle. You see a shimmering light in the distance, it could be heaven, or it could be hell… or it could be a Denny’s. It’s that third thing, and it’s full of people. As you enter, you see that every single person inside looks exactly like you. They all turn to look at you, their eyes are red, and there are only spoons (ironic, right?) What do you do?

  1. Order a Grand Slam, substitute French toast for the pancakes (did you know they let you do that?)
  2. Try to get buy-in for an all-you orgy
  3. Go back to the beach with the stabby crab. That guy seemed alright, and he has knifes.
  4. Open a competing pancake diner right next door, call it “The Community Center” and advertise a $4 pancake breakfast with proceeds going to the fire department. There is no fire department on the island; the proceeds go straight to you. Profits! Profits! Profits!



Question 4

You threw a party over the weekend. Your guests included Ruth B. Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor, and Elena Kagan. You didn’t invite Clarence Thomas, who knows the first three from work. On Monday, you run into Clarence at the downstairs lobby Starbucks, from work. He asks how the party went. How do you respond?


  1. It was a Monster Mash
  2. It was a grave yard smash
  3. It got on in a flash
  4. Dodge the question, say “Hey, whatever happened to the Transylvania Twist?”



Question 5

The most dangerous game is hunting man for sport on a private island. What is the second most dangerous game?

  1. Butt Darts
  2. Sticking your hand in the ball return at Friday Night Bowl-o-Drome
  3. Hunger Games of Thrones
  4. Any game where you say the name of someone until they burst out of the mirror



Question 6
Where’s the beef?

  1. Beef is made of stardust just like we all are, it is everywhere and nowhere
  2. At Arby’s. But Arby’s also sells fish – nothing makes sense anymore.
  3. It’s visiting friends in Austin this weekend and it’s sorry it can’t come to your party. Rain check?



Plot Twist! Questions 7-8 are write-in responses

Question 7     

What’s in Nicolas Cage’s basement?



Question 8     

You are visiting the world’s only parasite museum with Rick Moranis, who accidentally discharges his enlarging ray (Dammit, Moranis!). A mile-long tapeworm is now making its way to nearest station, which is only 5 stops away from Shinjuku, Tokyo’s most crowded district. Trains come every 4 minutes. What do you do?



Final Question

You are in 1,001 Arabian Nights. Your captor threatens to kill you every night, the only way you can stay alive is to peak his curiosity by suggesting to him one interesting name for his boat each night. If you suggest an uninteresting name, he will kill you. You will receive one point for each day you survive. Go.

*Hint: the boat is a 100-foot catamaran with polished wood accents



Double Plot Twist! Question 10 is a draw-in response. No words allowed.

Draw what you are most afraid of, what keeps CEOs up at night and eats their dreams, what should be harmless, but brings everything to ghost.



Send all responses to Billy Joel’s home address

Situational Awareness Quiz #1

Question 1
You are walking alone on a snowy evening – it is quiet, so quiet. The snow compresses firmly beneath your boots as you walk. A lone, old-fashioned streetlight shines in the distance. As you near the soft, warm light, the snow begins to sparkle. However, when you arrive you see deep red, gleaming drops in the snow. What is behind you?

  1. A hallowing dark figure slowly lumbering towards you, snow crunching beneath its feet, carrying a larger than average paring knife
  2. Twin snow children with shadows for eyes
  3. Candy cane zombies
  4. Murder
  5. Stupid Sexy Flanders
  6. All of the above

Question 2
You are Major Tom. You are sitting in a tin can, far above the world. You’re feeling very still when an announcement comes through the space speakers: “This is ground control to Major Tom, your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong.” What is the last thing you think of before you succumb to the cold embrace of space?

  1. Planet Earth is blue and there’s nothing you can do
  2. I was promised space dolphins, life is a lie
  3. Nothing is so chilling as the deep abyss of endless space
  4. I could eat a hamburger the size of a human skull just about now

Question 4
You wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, but you are not in your bed, you are in a dimly lit community center, surrounded by smooth, nude, mannequin versions of your 5 best friends, and 5 worst enemies. You make accidental eye contact with one, and its cold plastic fingers begin jittering uncontrollably. You avert your eyes quickly to the wall, and see that there will be a pancake breakfast next Saturday for $4 with proceeds going to the fire department. What do you do?

  1. Awaken your new army of living mannequins and take over the fire department so you can profit from those sweet, sweet pancake profits
  2. Make haste to the closest Blockbuster Video, and ask the clerk to play a VHS copy of Mannequin 2: On the Move. Sit on the floor, and watch the entire movie in silence
  3. Bury the mannequins in the Pet Semetary
  4. Make pancakes

Question 5
Pop quiz, hot shot. There’s a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?

  1. Photocopy the bus
  2. Bury the bus in the Pet Semetary
  3. Don’t feed the bus after midnight
  4. Resort to cannibalism

Question 6
You are doing your holiday shopping in Chinatown. You walk through a dark alleyway with red lanterns, the alley is somehow both bustling and deserted. You enter a small doorway into a room full of antiques and oddities – there is an old man with a long, thin beard smoking a long, thin pipe. “I want to buy the most dangerous item in this store.” The man says, “Ok fine, this creature is called Mogwai. He’s like a guinea pig, but with more rules. No bright lights, don’t get him wet, and don’t feed him after midnight.” What do you do with the creature when you get home?

  1. Take photos of him, use the flash
  2. Give him a bath
  3. Take him to the Taco Bell drive thru at 2am
  4. All of the above

Question 3
Surprise! Question 3 is down here! 
It is New Year’s Eve 1989, you have somehow gained control David Hasselholf’s brain. You are standing on the Berlin Wall, wearing a light-up leather jacket and a piano scarf. Someone hands you a microphone, what do you do?

  1. Sing “Monster Mash” instead of “Looking for Freedom” – and brace yourself for the monumental changes to time and space
  2. Go back in time, kill Hitler
  3. Hoverboard
  4. Slowly and deliberately inflate (by mouth), and hand-tie 99 red balloons, let them gather at your feet. When you have finished, say, “now what, Deutschland, now what?”

Question 7
What’s love got to do, got to do with it?

  1. I don’t care much for money, money can’t buy me love
  2. Don’t feed love after midnight
  3. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave (never leave… never leave…)


Last Question
You are driving alone on a dark desert highway, cool wind in your hair. Up ahead in the distance, you see a shimmering light, your head grows heavy and your sight grows dim, you have to stay for the night. There is plenty of room, mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice. Chanting voices are calling from far away, wake you up in the middle of the night, just to hear them say……

  1. “Two men enter, one man leaves!”
  2. “One of us, one of us, we accept you, one of us!”
  3. “Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!”
  4. “Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!”
  5. A spoken word rendition of the long version of Hey Jude


Submit all answers in the form of a highly critical personal postcard to Billy Joel